Clinic Day and Weekend

We had an eventful day planned at the clinic.  We all got up early had a small breakfast and were off to meet my daughter to pass the boys over to her.  All four of us adults then headed to the clinic.  All the ladies working in that clinic were just great!  They were all as nice as they could be and a bit on the funny side also.  Maybe they just thought my husband and I were funny, but we were all laughing most of the day.  We had blood work done, psych test on the computer, psych-educational consult, consult with nurse to learn how to take meds, saline sonogram, and a group psych was also scheduled.

We were shuffled from room to room, person to person, it was a busy day.  Let me tell you, these psych test you have to do on the computer, were about the craziest thing I have ever done.  I think it was like 300 questions and some of those questions were beyond absurd!  All questions you had to answer with a "always", "very likely", "likely", "not likely" or "never", or some variation like that.  With questions or statements like "My favorite past time is to watch the high jump on tv."  LOL  really?? I wondered how many people actually answer always to that? While it was an hour or so of answering some really goofy questions, it was very entertaining.

The two guys had their own pysch consult and then my hubby and I had ours, and the plan was that we were all four suppose to have one with the psychologist together afterward.  The psychologist came and told hubby and me that she felt no need for a group consult.  All four of us were a great match, we all got along well and had same thoughts and plans.  That actually made us feel pretty good although we already knew that, but for a trained professional to see it also, was a little reassuring.

We ended the day at the clinic with the Dr. informing us and the guys that I was in good shape, and my uterus looked great for pregnancy.  So we just had to wait for all the blood work to get back and then we would be on schedule to start cycling me and the egg donor together.  The plan is to make a fresh embryo transfer as the success rate is slightly higher with fresh rather than frozen embryos.  

We went to meet up with my daughter and get the boys back from her.  Of course they had a blast with big sissy and her boyfriend for the day, they went to playland stuff, bowling, laser tag, arcade time and Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch.  We got the boys and followed the guys to a restaurant close to their house, we all had a nice dinner together and time to sit and talk and get excited over the upcoming plans.  Made it back to their house and my boys found the piano to play with, and hubby enjoyed a glass of wine and hot tub time. (outside 15 degrees with lots of snow)  After finally getting my boys to bed, I enjoyed a little hot tub time with hubby.  It was a great end to a busy and fun day.

Saturday we had planned to sight see a bit, new place and things we had never seen before.  Lots of great things for our boys to learn about, we were near a city with rich history.  We had a leisurely breakfast, and headed to one of the guys parents house.  His parents had an suv we could borrow for the day so we could all ride in one vehicle instead of driving two.  So the six of us set out for a fantastic day!  Our boys really buddied up with the guys.  Each boy picking their own favorite to hang with.  My hubby and I sat back and watched and laughed as our boys can be handfuls.  The guys loved it and had a great time with our boys.  We had a wonderful day seeing and learning about some really old history in our country.  The boys even enjoyed every minute of it.  We went back to the parents house, and all went out for dinner.  The soon to be grandparents were wonderful, sweet and very nice.  A soon to be uncle also joined us.  So we had a large crowd going out to eat together and we all had an awesome evening!

Went back to the guys home for the night, had some quiet relaxing time just talking and watching a little tv for all of us.  Off to bed, we wanted to get a somewhat early start on Sunday as we had a long drive home.  Sunday morning they guys cooked another great breakfast, we kind of took our time getting going, we really did enjoy hanging and talking with the guys.  Our boys just loved them, and did not want to go back home.  Finally getting all packed up in the car and ready to head out, we said our "good byes" and "see ya soons" in anticipation of our next arrival for embryo transfer.  We were not done the road very long and our older boy who first had reservations of mommy having another baby for someone else says.... "Hey if you have a baby for them, then we will have friends when we come visit again" LOL So now our boys are really excited for the guys to have kids so they have someone to play with when we visit each other in the future. Have to just love the way little ones think.

Our weekend together was a wonderful time and only solidified my thoughts of doing this for these guys!  My awesome husband felt exactly the same as I did after our weekend.  So making this decision with loving family support only makes it better!  I know the four of us are in for a journey together that will only strengthen our friendship even more. 

Finding the Right Match

So far I have to say, for me finding the right match has been the hardest part of my surrogate journey.  I know many women do this for many different reasons.  To me, I could not do this unless I found the right connection with a couple.  I feel this to be a very intimate connection.  I could not imagine doing this for someone or couple and not growing a strong friendship.  After just about giving up, I had received an email asking me if I was still interested in becoming a surrogate.  I immediately replied with a yes.  After some email conversations I realized that was not the connection for me.  Although it gave me a renewed thought that maybe I could still do this.  So I got back on one of the surrogates sites I had been on previously and started trying to connect with couples again.  I met a few wonderful people I actually still keep in touch with, but just not that "right" connection.  One day I found a link to another site that I had not been to before, so away I went to check it out.  While checking out this other site, I found a very large number of couples that were same sex couples.  Something I had not given any thought to before at all, it just was not on my radar.  I guess I had always imagined in my mind doing this for a woman who physically just could not carry a pregnancy for some reason or another.  Well after reading a number of posts/ads that were same sex couples looking for a surrogate, I decided to respond to a few.  A couple of them just did not have that feel good vibe about them, and then I responded to one I really wanted to talk to more.  I guess the two things that stuck out to me in our initial emails, they were both respectively the same ages as my husband and I, and that they had been together for 20 years.  I do know many couples split up after 20 or more years but I felt that after 20 years they were making the decision to have children, I was sure it was not a decision made lightly.  With each email correspondence I felt very comfortable with these two "wanna be dads".  We then spent a better part of 5 months getting to know each other via emails and phone calls.  They had a clinic that was willing to work with me and my age.  After sending all my previous pregnancy records to their clinic, it was time to meet and go through the medical screening process.

The last day of February was set up for all medical screening and psych screening to be done at their clinic.  We live a few states away from each other, we agreed to drive to their house the night before and stay with them for the whole weekend.  Some people were surprised by this decision, but it was the right one for us.  My husband, our two boys and I set out for a road trip.  My older daughters knew about all the possible plans and thought it was great that I would do this, especially for a gay couple.  Our next thought was how to approach it with the boys since they are much younger and things needed to be more age appropriate.  We told the boys we were going to visit some friends of ours.  We told them they were two guys that were married and really wanted to have a baby or two.  The first thing our older boy said, "well they can't, there is no mommy".  It was a very matter of fact statement.  So my husband then explained to the boys that is what I might do for them, and instantly the older boy piped up again with "I do not want you to have a baby".  Hubby told him the baby would not be ours or for us, he looked a little confused.  So hubby then gave him an analogy from our farm, compared this to our chickens and that how sometimes some hens lay eggs but will not hatch them, and we give them to another hen to hatch.  For some reason this made perfect sense to him and he was good with it. (it was really an interesting and comical conversation)

It was an all day drive from our house to theirs.  We arrived around midnight.  It was a very comfortable meeting instantly!  They treated us as long lost family!  We had a very busy day ahead of us, so there was just a little small talk and off to bed.  My oldest daughter is living part time very close to the guys, so we had planned for our boys to get to spend the day with big sissy so we adults could do all the medical and psych stuff.

Am I too old for this now?

So after talking things over with my wonderful husband, he said he was totally onboard if that is what I wanted to do, and he would support me all the way.  I started to check into surrogate agencies.  At this time I was 40 years old with 2 recent pregnancies within the last 5 years. According to the agencies I was finding that many fertility clinics would not work with a surrogate over the age of 38 and even most couples did not want to work with a woman that old.

The whole agency thing gave me a weird feeling anyway. Not that they are bad or anything, it made it feel more like a "business" and I just do not feel that way about surrogacy.  I did some research on my own, and came to find that there are clinics out there that work with surrogates up to age 45. So my next step was to find a couple that I could connect with and one that was not concerned about my age and that we could find a clinic to work with me and my age.

I found a few surrogate sites online to join and talk to other surrogates and couples who are looking for surrogates.  I learned new internet lingo for this experience, IP's are intended parents, a TS is a traditional surrogate (one that uses her own egg), a GS is a gestational surrogate (what I wanted to do).  For just over a year I talked and chatted with all different types of people.  Nothing seemed to be falling in place together.  I was beginning to feel that it was just not in the cards for me to take this journey.  I had actually stopped checking the surrogate sites, and was really just trying to forget about the thought.

Months later I had a email show up asking me if I was still interested in becoming a surrogate...

Getting to where I am today...

So after learning all that I did 20+ years ago, I decided to put the surrogate thing out of mind, and I did for quite a few years.  I had one more daughter 5 years after my first, and then was not planning anymore children.  I had a friend who was having a hard time trying to have a baby.  I was by her side through a number of miscarriages.  It was a rough time.  She wanted a baby so bad, and while she could get pregnant, she could not stay pregnant.  I joked with her that if the doctors could take her eggs and daddy's sperm and put them together I would carry it for her.  It really wasn't a joke and I really would have done that for her if it came down to it.  I had read about that type of surrogate and things were really changing in fertility compared to how it was when my first daughter was born. After some time and the right doctor for her, she finally was able to have her own baby, and since then has had two more. :-)

 When my second daughter was 9, I met the man of my dreams and didn't even know I was looking for him.  There is no doubt he was meant for me and I was meant for him.  We have been together for over 7 years now, and still have not had one disagreement, argument, cross word etc... We are so in sync together it is absolutely awesome!  Well we had two more children, 2 boys 15 months apart.  After the second we were not going to have anymore, but I started to give the surrogate thing a thought or two again. Started to check into the "the gestational surrogate", which is not my baby at all.  They use egg and sperm from couple and implant the embryo.  This is really something I think I could do for someone.  My weird way of looking at it, is I am just the incubator for someone else who is not able to carry a baby for whatever reason.
So on to the search for more info about gestational surrogacy.

Wow, I am really going to do this!

I have debated for a few months as to write about this journey or not.  It is a personal one, and I am not normally one for sharing real personal things on the net.  After much thought I came to the conclusion if my story helped one other person to make this decision, to help complete a family than it would all be worth it.

So since I am already into this journey, I will try to get my story caught up to date with a few posts, so that there is not one very long huge post.

Lets start at the very beginning...
My oldest daughter is 21 years old, after she was born I had thought about being a surrogate for someone who could not have children.  I loved being pregnant, it was easy and fun.  I was overwhelmed by the intense feelings after having my own child, I felt horrible for anyone who wanted to have a baby and could not.  I truly believed no one should be deprived of that totally awesome experience.  I started to do some research into surrogacy.  Being 21 years ago, about the only option was what is called a traditional surrogate.  The procedure is to use the sperm from the intended father, and artificially inseminate the surrogate.  So essentially the baby would be half mine and half the other couples'.  After really giving that a lot of thought and seeing some media on surrogate cases, where the mother changed her mind and did not want to give up the baby, I started to think I would not be able to give the baby away either.  I knew how strong my motherly feelings and instincts were, that I felt I would not be able to give a baby to another couple that was partly mine.

With a heavy heart and as much as I wanted to help someone else who could not have a baby, I really thought being a surrogate was not for me.